I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
