Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
