Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
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