i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
