apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
