Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I deserve this hangover.
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