just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Randomize
