I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
