i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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