I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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