Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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