There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
