Define "chronic" masturbator.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
