i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
