I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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