I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
