I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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