Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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