my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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