I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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