Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
