fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
