I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
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Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
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We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots