This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
