I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Randomize
