apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
