apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets