I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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