I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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