Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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