we made out on top of his cat.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
