Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
