Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
