Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.