Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
