The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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