Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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