he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Terrible idea I love it
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
