So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
