yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We left the knife in your bed.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
