i was born a porn star she said
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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