Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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