Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
