Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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