I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
