My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
