when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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