sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Drake has all the answers
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
