why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
