She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
there is puke in my bra ... again
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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