the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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