first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
