So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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