My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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