oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
