I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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